Today I saw my Father's heartache. He revealed to me what it is like for the child He loves to experience pain for her own benefit. And, He did it through allergy testing....
Jacob had allergy testing today. It was so painful for the little guy. He wrapped his legs and arms around me as the nurse made his back into a pin cushion. Blood oozed from the spots. Immediately, several of the spots welted up...he cried...he shook...he sat extremely still...waiting for it to end. The last needle came...he whimpered, "It hurts mama." "Yes, but you are being such a good, brave boy." "Mama..." came the little voice. Arms entwined around my neck, tears streaking down his face...I whisper a prayer with him. We cry together. How can I tell him that this...this pain...this blood...is for his own good? Does he care that the results of this pain will help us find out what ails him, why he can't breath, why his lungs are inflamed? Will knowing that this test is going to be helpful in the FUTURE help it not hurt in the NOW?? NO. All he needed, all any of us need in the pain, is comfort and unconditional love. He needed to know the comfort of my arms. I held him, clutching him to myself...whispering my love to him.
At that very moment, I saw God. Many trials in my life...much heartache, but...each trial, each heartache, each child lost, each month barren, every tear shed, He was there...He was holding me, clutching me to Himself. He was brokenhearted with me. He was crying with me, He was doing what was best for me...in the long run...but I did not get it then. I don't always get it now...but today gave insight...into my Father's perfect love, His perfect goodness, and I am overwhelmed. He does not let me alone in my pain or in my heartache. My tender Father always does what is best for me, even when it hurts. He loves me so much that He will not spare me pain if it is for my gain. Would a loving Father do anything else?
Just like God allows pain to heal me, I could not spare my son pain that would work out for his own good in the end...but I have to tell you, it HURT me...it hurt my heart to watch him, feel him shake, glistening tears on his cheeks, mottled skin, blood seeping...but would love have done anything less?? I think not.