Our family is looking for a new church. My heart hurts at the thought of leaving what has been our family, our home, for the last sixteen years. The women there have seen me through some dark, dark times. The pastor and elders have prayed our family through some broken that we have kept from almost everyone. There are people there who have met the absolute worst in me with grace and love. I need these brothers and sisters in Christ.
But, things happen that can't be fixed...and we just had to decide to move forward. It is hard to let go of the people whom I have walked this broken road with. It is hard to think about taking my littlest away from his family in Christ - especially his Mrs. Judie and Mrs. Stephanie. But it has been even more difficult to watch the kids make fun of him, reject his friendship. There are only two boys in his class...and they have rejected him. He comes home hurting. And so, his mama's heart hurts. I have done so much to try and make a place for him, but in the end, I can not change the children's hearts or their parents' hearts...children who come from large families and don't need a friend outside of siblings and cousins...children whose parents are young and are surrounded by young families...children whose parents grew up together in this church. My guy? He was blessed with old parents, a brother so much older that he could be considered an only child. Church started a Sunday school for those younger parents a while back, and that made my son even more alienated as it bonded those parents together - and their children.
He asks me to have a friend over. I just want to know who, so I can talk to the parent. He sits down and cries, then in a broken voice says, "I don't have a friend. I'm lonely." And me? Well, I am too weepy these days to not cry with him...so the tears flow.
So, I became part of a co-op. And I love the kids there, but as far as friendships? It has been a disaster. My little guy has stood on the sidelines in class while the other students announce they don't want to be his friend...don't want to be his partner for the activity I (the teacher) have planned. And I hold back my own tears as I watch his face fall, his heart break, trying to choke back his tears and he comes home and tells me how much he wants a friend. And I have been in such a bad place this last year, that honestly? I have nothing to offer him, except shared tears. And the promise that we won't be part of co-op next year. I won't make him go and feel the pain of rejection over and over again. I don't know if that is wrong, but it is where we are.
And with all that we have been struggling through this year, my little guy needs friends. He needs people who will have fun with him, invite him over, laugh with him, tolerate his meltdowns (there is a lot of stress in our home & it affects him).